One of my favorite quotes is from Mother Theresa: “I know God would only give me as much as He knows I can bear. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much”. I never thought that would become my mantra.
My son is my qualifier. It has been 3 years of hell. Three years of sleepless nights, more tears than I have shed my whole life. Three years of lies, broken promises and manipulation. I hate this disease! It is either upfront, in my face, during a relapse, or lurking in the corner of my mind waiting for the next episode of craziness.
If I had to sum up in one word, my experiences as the mother of an alcoholic, that would would be fear. Fear is trying to rule my world. I am fearful when he doesn’t call and fearful when he does. Is he not calling because he has been drinking? Has he lost his job and is afraid to tell us? When he does call, will it be a 3 AM call from an Emergency Department asking us to come get him as he has sobered up enough to be discharged? Is he coherent? I can tell when he has been drinking. He can’t fool me anymore. Is he calling asking for money? Are we really helping him get through a difficult time, or just enabling him when we give him money? Where is that line drawn? Is he calling asking us to come over to his house? We have done that may times, only to find him passed out on the couch; the house a mess and him not showered, smelling of alcohol. When we wake him will he be belligerent, argumentative, and disrespectful?
I’m afraid of his future. Will he find a successful, fulling job and keep it? Will he find a good relationship with someone special? Will he relapse again? I know relapses are common. I truly feel in my heart that he wants to get better and end this madness. Especially since his involvement with USPC. My biggest fear? That I will have to decide to detach, with love, from his situation, in order to preserve my physical and mental well being. That’s my biggest fear. There is a special bond between mother and child that should never be broken. Sometimes that has to happen.
I am slowly learning to try to get control of all this fear and worry, through Al-Anon and the support of people, like those at USPC, I know I didn’t cause this disease. I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. I can have hope that my son is strong enough to get through this with the support that is available to him.
What I want for him, is sobriety and happiness. What I want for myself, is peace.